out of control

I like to be in control. Of course, I know I can't control my fate, my life, my cravings for chocolate, when I have to pee and many other things. But that doesn't mean I don't want to.

But right now, what I mostly want is to control my emotions. And it was very apparent last night that I can't. It's a tad embarrassing.

We were nearing the end of our small group meeting and I was pretty proud of myself (note to self: pride comes before a fall) for making it through the whole video without losing it. In reality, I was a bit dizzy and couldn't even look at the screen, so I just stared at my knitting and kept my fingers busy. I really don't remember much of it - only wishing that I had stayed home and how thankful I was that I wasn't asked to share anything about what I heard.

Then, the group leader randomly asked one couple to share their story of salvation. No big deal, right? Until the wife mentions how they had a hard time getting pregnant. I swear the whole room probably heard me suck in my breath. I stared at my sister-in-law across the room and felt like my eyes were about to bug out of my head. I could feel hubby's arm around me, but could not will the tears to stop. I tried so hard. Held my breath. Bit my cheek. Squeezed that yarn. But it was no use - I had to escape the room.

All in the middle of this poor girl's testimony.

How rude. But, it was probably less rude than bursting into sobs right in front of everybody and humiliating myself. I made it to the bathroom and let the tears fall - not even sure how long I was in there, but it was long enough to miss the rest of the session and the prayer. Thankfully I found a washcloth in the vanity drawer and doused my face with cold water to try remove some of the red splotches so I could feel a little safer in leaving the room to grab my knitting and my jacket and skidaddle.

I told hubby on the way home that I felt so stupid - and I still do. Clearly, I know my situation and my reaction are probably understandable and even could be expected, but I still feel stupid. And I can still feels the stares from group members who may or may not have known what was going on. I hope they can all forgive me for losing it.

Although, if you never had control in the first place, can you really lose it?