i'm a survivor

Although I really don't feel that way right now - I guess I have somehow managed to stay alive and keep going in spite of the circumstances.

After the past two days, God has answered only two of my prayers positively - I'm not dead and this ordeal is finally over (at least the physical part.

Here's a brief recap:

Monday I awoke to contractions and spotting. Spent most of the morning messing around with my sister-in-law's Christmas cards, just to keep my mind off the pain in my lower back and abdomen. I finally called hubby around 1 pm after I started bleeding slightly. My father-in-law came over shortly after that to pick the boys up.

Contractions started in heavy around 2:30 and I passed the baby easily. It remained in the sac, but the placenta would not budge loose. I let hubby nap downstairs for about an hour until I got sick of laying in the tub freezing. I wasn't bleeding a whole lot at this point, but I knew that it would continue like this for hours if the placenta didn't detach. By a little before 4 pm, I finally told him we need to go in. Nothing was happening but blood loss.

I ended up with severe contractions on the way in - every bump killed. And I was losing more and more blood - filling up my three-year-old's diaper by the time we made the five-mile trek to the Emergency Room. I was able to walk in and plop down on a wheelchair, lucid during all the intake questions and blood pressure check (107/85).

I ended up with a wonderful, no-nonsense type of nurse who didn't seem phased by the amount of blood. After some time (1/2 hour maybe?) the ER doc came in and asked me to bear down to see if I could push everything out. All that came was a ton of clots. With the second push, I felt my body react and couldn't control my breathing (panting). I felt close to passing out. I broke out into a cold sweat, but the doc talked me into slowing my breathing and soon I was feeling like I was back in the room. He tried to ease the placenta out, but it still wouldn't come. I think shortly he tried again, but without any luck.

The sac was loose at that point and I asked him if he could check to see if the baby was a boy or a girl. I didn't get a good look at his reaction, but I think I rattled him a bit. It was a boy.

He made the decision to put me on hemobate (a medicine to induce contractions) which neither I nor the nurse wanted me to take. (We'd both been there done that with the side effects of diarrhea and nausea). But, my options were surgery right away or trying the drugs to see if my body could expel everything. As soon as they gave me the anti-nausea medication, the pain medication (dilatid) and the hemobate, I felt like I had a tons of bricks on my body. It was even difficult to breathe - I remember telling myself, "Breathe!" It was the strangest feeling - like my body was too relaxed.

I told the nurse that I was losing a lot of blood - I could feel it running out. She checked under the blanket and told me I was sitting in a pool. I think the doctor was called back in and once he saw my blood pressure (70/62) they called the OB doc in right away. Sometime in there my sister-in-law arrived (she works in that particular emergency room). I was a bit foggy at that point, but do remember having to poo and not being able to - only pushing out more clots. I had been hooked up to two different IV's at that point - one for blood and one for fluid. I was wheeled to surgery within a half hour.

I think it was some time around 6 pm when I got to the operating room, where I promptly threw up (what a waste of a good bakery roll). The poor anesthesiologist had to rethink his plan at that point. I had to have a breathing tube inserted once I was under, which left me with a very sore throat for a couple days.

Apparently the surgery went well, but I must have taken longer than expected to come out of anesthesia because my SIL even came down to recovery to check on me. (I'm so thankful she was there to talk w/hubby while I was in surgery - that would have been a long time to be alone). The doc said the placenta was already detached by the time I got to surgery, which was a huge blessing because he only had to ease it out and then do a quick scrape to make sure there was no remaining tissue. He told hubby I wouldn't bleed much afterward (not like the six weeks of last time.)

I got to my room around 8 pm and SIL stayed with us for awhile. I actually felt pretty good at that point - slight cramping but not much bleeding. The only thing that hurt was my throat and both shoulders where I'd received injections - one for the dilatid and the other I'm guessing in the OR.

It was a long night though. The pump for the IV made noises similar to remote control cars - every six seconds. The blood pressure cuff went off every half hour until midnight and then every hour after that. When I couldn't sleep, I remember thinking to myself, "Why didn't we look at the baby?"

Finally at 2 am, I got something to help me sleep, but was awakened at 6 am by the nurse checking on me. At 7 am, they drew blood to check my hemoglobin levels (at 7.9 - not good) and my blood pressure was still very low (80s/60s). My OB doc came in and said that I might need another unit of blood if my BP didn't get better. (Already had two.) He said he'd stop back in to check on me later that afternoon and then they'd decide if I'd be able to go home.

Hubby came and spent the whole day with me. It was relaxing at first, just chatting and watching TV, but after awhile, the getting up every 45 minutes to pee got very annoying. As did my low BP - especially since I was feeling fine. No dizziness. No light-headed feelings. That afternoon a very sweet nurse brought the baby in for us to see. He was much bigger than I anticipated. Looked so peaceful and perfect. (I will share a bit more of this in a later blog - along with pictures.)

My OB doc never did show up, which kind of ticked me off considering this was the third miscarriage I'd gone through with him as my doc. Finally at 5 pm, the evening shift nurse told me if he didn't come in after his clinic hours, she'd call to see if I could get released. He never came and she finally got a hold of him a little after 6 pm. What a relief to finally head home - after a more than a 24-hour ordeal.

I made it home to a quiet, peaceful house with orders to get my hemoglobin checked in a few days and to do no heavy lifting for a couple weeks. What a relief. I slept like a baby that night - hubby's snoring or stealing covers didn't even phase me.

My sister-in-law told me a couple days later that the ER doctor said it was "touch and go" for awhile. I guess I didn't realize anyone else was worried. I felt like I was where I should be and never once questioned my safety. Even hubby said this was the best experience we'd had of all the miscarriages. That probably sounds weird, but we've been through many different scenarios with all the miscarriages and I think we both felt a peace about going in right away and letting those who deal with emergency situations do their jobs. Strange how you can be peaceful in spite of a chaotic circumstance.

Well, maybe not so strange after all. There were lots of friends and family praying at that point. I think we're all survivors, just by living this life on this planet. I've just been lucky enough to physically survive five miscarriages. The emotional survival is still to be determined.