the rules

Yes, I admit I'm a bit crazy to take four children garage saling, but hey, a mom's got to do something to save money, clothe children who consistently wear holes into their jeans (and feed an addiction at the same time.) Here's how I manage without going too crazy.

First, I'm not afraid to use bribery and fear to accomplish my goal of outfitting six people on an annual clothing budget of $247. Second, I have a set of rules: (Disobey them at your peril).

1. Do not open the van door to yell out that you're bored.
You will be sorely punished for this and miss your "turn" out of the van. Also, you will be punished depending on the level of humiliation and embarrassment your mothers feels. There are many things you can do to not be bored. You can watch people. You can eat whatever you can find on the floor. You can play with the 25-cent toy you just got at the last garage sale. You can play I Spy. You can get out of your seat, but you cannot punch, hit, kick or scream (see below).

2. Do not scream inside the van in case someone hears you and calls the police.
You will go to jail and so will your mother. This is why the van has tinted windows so that nosy strangers cannot see that four children have been left unattended in a vehicle. Because you cannot be seen, you need to not be heard - you might give someone walking by a panic attack if you let out a random screech because your brother pinched your cheeks. If that happens you will go to jail or the hospital or perhaps both.

3. Only one child goes out with mom at a time.
If there are two garages sales next to each other, that counts as one turn, not two and it is that person's lucky day. Do not fight me on this or you will lose your turn. Mom, despite appearing to be capable and worthy of some parenting award, is not able to handle more than one child at a time.

4. You will not get any more toys.
We are looking for clothes. If by some miracle we find a sale that has matchbox cars for 25 cents, you will have to find one for each boy so there won't be any fights. You are expected to play with that one item for the remainder of the hunting time. If you get bored with that, tough. You are to come along willingly and without rolling your eyes while your mother holds up jeans to you to see if they fit. You are expected to try on jackets and sweatshirts, even if it's 80 degrees out. You are expected to not get lost in a crowd. You are not to beg for anything. This is a mission, so you will act like a soldier. Say "Yes, ma'am" to that.

5. You will get plenty of snacks so you will not starve.
At each sale, your mother will divvy out whatever she has scrounged out of the pantry. That may or may not include raisins, apples, bananas, animal crackers, pretzels, candy and graham crackers. You may even be lucky enough to get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if you mother is truly on the ball.

6. Your mother's taste in clothes will overrule any opinion you may have.
This should be self-explanatory, but if not: if it fits, doesn't have holes, is less than $1 and not an ugly color, you will be wearing it.

7. You cannot have another movie.

8. Yes, you can pee in a water bottle.

9. Do not tell your father how much we spent.
Tell him how much we saved.

10. This is fun.
You will enjoy it. End of discussion.