birds and bees

Our eldest was grossing out in the living room, moaning and groaning about something. I ignored him at first, figuring he was just being a normal boy. Then, he came up to me with one of our science reference books, pointing to pictures of sperm and asking, “Is this true?”

Oh for pete’s sake was all I could think. A quick scan of that page’s contents led to some deep breaths, big gulps and trying to act as nonchalant as possible – the text read, “To make a baby, a man puts his penis into a woman’s vagina…” I cannot believe I am dealing with this already. I wasn’t prepared. I needed to do about two years worth of deep breathing exercises first. Then find some sort of video so I could really pass the buck.

Thank you, brainiacs at Kingfisher for inserting that kind of language into your “First Human Body Encyclopedia.” And to think that our innocent little boy first started reading that book as part of his second grade science! I must have been a little more on top of things two years ago, because I’m guessing we sort of skipped those pages then. This isn’t how he was supposed to find out about sex. Here he is, at 10, grossed out by the thought of a penis and a vagina intermixing. How am I going to deal with this?

Unfortunately, not very well, I’m afraid. I told him he wasn’t supposed to be reading about all that yet. (GREAT response oh Mother of all Mothers. And you thought you were unflappable and intelligent.) Now I've made him feel guilty for reading. So, to burst his bubble even more I calmly said, “Yes it’s true.”

The look on his face was sheer disgust. "Oh that's SOOO gross!" It wasn't the reaction I expected, but all things considered, it was one for which a parent probably should be grateful. (Imagine if he had said - "That's SOOO cool!" or worse, asked some rather personal, intimate questions. Questions that I would have definitely fumbled over. Counting blessings on that one.)

Apparently he then figured out that he was now privy to some secret knowledge, because he told me not to worry – that he wouldn’t tell anyone else about it. This just keeps getting better, I thought. "You better not!" came out before I could stop it. Oh why don't I have a delete key on my mouth? Or even a pause button, so I could think before I speak.

Guess I’m going to have to go purchase that “Preparing for Adolescence” series sooner than I thought. I figured we could shield him from this until he was at least 19, maybe even longer since we’re homeschooling. (Please smile at that one and don’t wonder if I’m some nut job, kid-sheltering, denim skirt-wearing, my-child-will-not-date-unless-I'm-along kind of mother.)

Dad had originally volunteered for that job, but we’ll see if/when that ever happens. You know how the saying goes – if you want something done…

Maybe tomorrow I’ll have to sing a new song to him. It goes something like – “Let me tell you ‘bout the birds and the bees, the flowers and the trees, the moon up above, and a thing called love.” Or maybe not. I just hummed the rest of the lyrics in my head. He is definitely not ready for the facts of life yet.

And I'm not ready to tell him either.