what to do...

My husband always tells me not to gripe about a problem unless I have a solution. While I think my previous post WAS a solution (mainly because I got to vent), I was able to come up with positive things to do for someone who's recently had a miscarriage.

What you can do for some who's just lost a baby:

1) Reach out.
Don't assume someone else is reaching out to a person in need. God might want you to do it. If you've experienced a similar loss, you can be more of a comfort because you've already endured what someone like me is feeling. You can give some hope in what might be a very hopeless-feeling situation. I remember a few months after our first miscarriage learning that a cousin had also lost a baby. I battled for awhile about calling her because it was so difficult to bring up all the feelings and emotions. But, I listened to the voice telling me to dial and am glad I did. I don't know if the phone call made a difference or not, but it did show me what God would require of me because of what I had experienced. You may not realize you have a ministry to share based on your loss, but often that is exactly how God wants you to use your past pain. You don't have to have all the answers, just a sympathetic ear and a willingness to share.

However, even if you've never personally experienced the same situation, there are many things you can do.
• Pray. You may never know how powerful your prayer can be, but it's probably the most important thing you can do. If you can, find out a specific prayer request to guide you. If you are the one in pain, it can be extremely helpful if you can provide your family, friends, pastor, prayer chain and whomever asks for any specific prayer needs.
• Call. You might think you're being a bother, but often, you might be reaching out to a person right when he or she needs it most. Sometimes, just the sound of concern in a person's voice is enough to take you over a difficult place. There were times, initially, when I did not want to talk to anyone on the telephone because I wasn't ready. Then, I just didn't answer the phone. If you don't reach the person, please leave a message - they'll know you cared enough to take the time to call, and will still appreciate it, even if they aren't able to talk right then.
• Write. One of the things that touched me most after my second miscarriage were two unexpected cards I received in the mail. One was from a cousin of mine. She had simply written that she and her husband were thinking and praying for us through this, but it was worth more than she ever would have imagined. (She also included a $20 bill and told us to go out and buy supper some night, which was an added, but not necessary bonus that would come in handy later when I felt too exhausted to cook.) The other was a handmade card from another homeschool mom who I didn't even know extremely well. She wrote that we were faithfully in their prayers at this time, and offered to take the boys if I needed any rest. Both letters were very comforting and special.
• Ask God to reveal to you what that person may need and then provide it if you can. It might be a babysitter for a couple of hours one afternoon, it might be help cleaning the house, it might be a meal, a book, a card, prayer, a box of chocolates, some special music, or even a simple hug. You might have to get creative because if the person is anything like me, they may have a hard time asking for help or admitting they need it. Some of the best gifts I've received have been a plant, tickets to take the boys to the park at the Mall of America, money to purchase a tree or plant in honor of the lost baby, taking all my boys for an entire day so I could rest, money to purchase a new article of clothing and one friend even gave me some wonderful lavender salt scrub that was very helpful for itchy winter skin.
• Don't think that you have to do something right away. Sometimes, the most thoughtful gifts I've received after a miscarriage have come two or three weeks later, when I'm still feeling sad and need a lift.

2) Keep it simple.
If you aren't sure what to say to someone, simply say, "I'm thinking about you. I'm praying for you." That is a huge comfort and quite easy to do. Hugs are okay if the person doesn't mind their space being violated. Some like hugs, others don't. Know the difference.

3) Be sensitive.
See all the things in the previous post on what not to do. Use some common sense and check nonverbal cues if you think you might be doing something irritating or insensitive.

4) Offer to help.
Don't assume that someone dealing with a loss will call and ask for help. It might be an issue of not knowing whom to call, not wanting to bother anyone or simply being unable to ask for help. That responsibility might lie more on you to find out a need and fill it.

5) Be available.
If you do have a close friend who is experiencing a loss, be available for a phone call, no matter the time of day. Check in on him or her periodically. It will not be a bother if you call every few days, just to see what's going on or if they need anything. That was often how I knew people cared the most was when they continued to care for me, even if through a five-minute phone call. Email is another great way to check up on me. Shoot me off a message and let me know you're there. And please respond to my emails if I send one to you.

To all the wonderful people in my life who have done the things I've described above - you have blessed me more than you could possibly know during a time when I needed it more than you could possibly know. Thank you so much for the healing you offered through your caring and love. God bless you.