what not to do

Sometimes, it's just difficult to understand people. I don't think people intentionally hurt others, but often their lack of common sense and sensitivity can really hurt. Because I've been on the receiving end of unintentionally-caused pain lately, I thought I'd help out those of you who might not realize how much hurt you can cause.

What not to do (or say) to someone who's just lost a baby:

1) Do not email pictures of your recent ultrasound to a woman who just miscarried.
I would think this would be a no-brainer, but apparently it's not. I know you are excited that you found out the sex of your baby, but please consider that someone like me just had hopes and dreams ripped out of her womb and it will be extremely difficult for her to share in your joy right now. She will probably even cry a little and then question your sensitivity.

2) Do not email a request for prayers for your upcoming delivery of a live baby.
Again, I'm sure this wasn't an intentional jab, but it still causes pain. It isn't that I don't want to pray for you or that I'm not happy you're having a baby, it's just that your request comes along with an inevitable comparison to the fact that I just delivered a dead baby. TIming is really key with this - two weeks after a miscarriage might not be the best idea, two months later is probably okay.

3) Do not offer platitudes like - "God needs some babies in heaven."
Not only does this not comfort someone in my situation, it isn't biblically accurate. God's desire is for life. Period. He doesn't give us the ability to procreate and then somehow arbitrarily take it away. That happens because of original sin, because we live in a fallen world and because we now live under a curse. God doesn't desire that life cease to exist simply for heaven. Heaven is a perfect place and has no need for my baby. Is my baby in a better place? Sure. Will I see him someday. Absolutely. But right now, that doesn't make me feel much better that he's not here. I still lost a baby, for whatever reason, but I did not lose that baby because God choose to take back a life.

4) Do not tell me - "You can always try again."
There are several reasons not to say this. First because the last thing I'm thinking about right now is sex or getting pregnant. In fact, sex is impossible right now. Second, because you don't know what I might be facing as far as infertility or questions about getting pregnant at my age (I've hit the magic number of 35). And third, because simply saying that diminishes the importance of the child I lost and the dreams that went along with that baby. The joy of having another child will never replace the tragedy of losing one. I can't imagine you would ever tell someone whose 10-year-old child just died that they could "try again." Same goes here.

5) Don't say - "Time will heal you."
While I may know that time will ease the pain, it does little for me in this moment, unless somehow you can fast-forward a year or two. I may know that God is in control and has a purpose for everything, but I might be so overwhelmed in grief that I can't even imagine how good could come out of a death, nor do I want to imagine good at this point.

6) Don't act like nothing happened.
Sometimes, a person will want to talk about their situation, other times they won't. It's usually best not to act like nothing happened. One of the things that hurt me the worst was the lack of sympathy from the radiologist during an ultrasound with my second miscarriage. He questioned why I was having an ultrasound and when I told him I was spotting, he asked whether the doctor had done one already. I said yes, but he couldn't find a heartbeat. He squinted at the screen and said, "I don't see one either" and walked out of the room. In another place or another time, I probably would have thrown my shoe at him, but as it was I meekly got dressed and walked out of the hospital stunned at his insensitivity.

People who have experienced a loss do not automatically forget a child, spouse or a pregnancy. They don't erase memories, plans for the future or feelings about their loved one. And sometimes, they want to talk about it. If this makes you uncomfortable, suck it up and participate in the conversation. There will probably be nothing more required of you than 10 minutes and a listening ear. It might just be exactly what that person needed at the time - someone to listen.

7) Don't be surprised if you get a negative response when you ask - "How are you doing?"
If you're the tenth person that day who's asked that question, and someone is trying with every ounce of their strength to keep it together, you might receive a outburst of tears that you didn't expect. Let's just say I warned you. If you're not comfortable with emotion, a hand on the shoulder and a quick hug might be better.

A friend told me that when she's faced with that question, she'd often ask people "Do you want the truth or do you want me to lie to spare your feelings?" A question like "How are you doing?" often puts people in a bit of a pickle because they feel as if they can't really be honest and say, "I'm doing horrible. I've been crying all day. I’m mad at God. I can't find my stash of chocolate. I have a hangnail and I'm out of Dr. Pepper. I woke up looking like a character from Sesame Street and I haven't showered in three days!" Is that really what you want to hear? If it is, then you're just the person to ask and probably just the person someone in pain needs to talk to.

Usually, all a person feels comfortable saying is "I'm hanging in there," which doesn't even begin to describe the real torture they're enduring but may not even be able to explain. How do you tell someone that you can't sleep, that you're starving but nothing appeals to your taste buds, you can't believe you're going through this right now or ever or again, that you feel like God is punishing you, even though you know it isn't true, that you're angry with Him for allowing this, that you look at people differently now - everyone "seems" to be happy and have a perfect little family, that you had the urge to go up to every pregnant woman you see and tell her all about how you've just lost a baby, or that sometimes you just wish you could die. Tough stuff to explain.

This isn't an exhaustive list, although it did exhaust me to compile it. I hope it helps someone else from having to endure some of the insensitive things I did.

Also, a note following feedback I received from the people who did #1 and #2 above: Know the person you are sending/saying things to well enough to know whether or not they will be hurt. In both instances, I was incredibly hurt by what I perceived as insensitivity, when it turns out that both people felt that more hurt would be caused by not keeping me "in the loop." While I understand their reasons (and apologize for hurting their feelings), I still would rather have not received either email at that time. Another person might be an entirely different story and might be hurt by not receiving an email update.