one month later

It's a bit surreal this many days after a loss. I'm far enough away to feel better physically, to not be angry and to talk about it all without going berserk. But I'm close enough still to feel sad and numb and even a bit like my emotions could still get the best of me when I least want them to.

So, my goal for the next month is to avoid pregnant women, babies, all the thoughts that crop up in my head late a night and songs by Sinead O'Connor.

Do-able? Hardly.

Well, I can avoid sad, angry songs and I can either read myself to sleep or take Tylenol PM. Beyond that - little is in my control.

One month later is a tough place to be in for another reason. Because I sound fine and look fine and feel fine, I think most people just think I am fine. And for the most part, I am. But, all it would take would be one little thing like the whiff of a newborn or seeing a women about as pregnant as I should have been and I'd probably be a puddle of tears. I'm not sure that most people would anticipate or expect that from me.

I know there isn't a time limit or a set schedule for grief, and yet we tend to put that on people. We unconsciously think, "Oh, it's been awhile now; she should be doing much better." And then we're surprised at how fresh the pain can still be - both when it happens to ourselves and to others. We're uncomfortable with mourning - and especially mourning beyond a certain undetermined time period in our minds.

And believe me, the mourner is just as uncomfortable. We tell ourselves that we shouldn't still be emotional. That we shouldn't still be so sad. That we should be over this by now. We tell ourselves all of this and yet we're still a mess and sad and not over anything. We just don't feel the pain quite as acutely - it's more of a dull ache than a stabbing heartbreak.

Now is the messy part of recovery. Now is when we battle ourselves with stupid expectations and time tables. Now is when we most need hugs and small reminders of God's love and care for us. Now is when we are most susceptible to bitterness. Now is when we are most likely to stuff our emotions and become numb to both pain and joy.

We're fine, but we're not. And it's only been a month.