winter blues?

I finally figured out why I've been sort of out of sorts lately - ornery and depressed and lazy.

Well, it could be the Minnesota winter...I have to admit that this cold weather has lasted overly long and cabin fever has probably set in. But, I don't usually get bothered by SAD or by the lack of warm weather - I like to snuggle into my long johns, wool socks and my nuked rice bag, all while drinking a cup of coffee. And every year, I'm becoming less and less social (think hubby is rubbing off on me) and am more and more content to nest at home.

So right now, this blah feeling is probably something else. I think for some reason my body (without my knowledge or permission) is somehow remembering that one year ago today I lost a baby. This makes me sad, of course. But, not to the point that I'd burst into tears or want to drown my sorrows in a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough (the cookie dough is just normal, for me.) My hormones are starting to even out, so I don't think it's that either.

I had actually forgot all about what we endured in February of 2008 until the other night when I was trying to rack my brain about why I was so not myself. This was the best I could come up with. My body or rather my brain is just forcing me to remember, to reflect and to, well I'm not sure what. Perhaps simply by acknowledging the loss and the anniversary, I will get back on track to feeling a bit more normal. And less crabby. And maybe more frisky.

It's hard to do that - remember - when you really, really don't feel like feeling emotional. Or when you really really want to just get on with life. But I suppose sometimes the getting on part can't be done well unless the remembering part is also done well. Besides, I'm not really in control of this one anyway. There have been times when an miscarriage anniversary has simply passed by and I've completely forgot about it until weeks later. Not this time.

So, here goes... Today I'm going to just acknowledge that I feel cheated out of the little boy we delivered dead in a hospital last year, perhaps shed a few tears, perhaps not, hug my kids and try to be happy that this baby is in heaven and God has bigger plans than I can imagine or understand. It's a tall order for a day that includes schoolwork, my neck out of whack, one kid with the squirts and another one who is mid-way through potty training.

Who said distractions weren't a good thing?