screaming at God

I am sick to death of crying. My eyes burn. My head aches. My kids are wondering why my eyebrows are red. (I'm one of those criers whose face turns blotchy, beet red from the nose up - it's very attractive. Not that I really care how I look right now.)

My friend asked me today if I was more angry or more sad at losing a baby. I didn't quite know what to say, then decided to be honest. I'm more angry. I'm angry that I've now lost a third child. I'm angry that I have conceived seven children, but only know four. I'm angry that I just ran a marathon for the past three months with morning sickness and fatigue, all for nothing. I'm angry that God allowed a miracle to happen (conceiving in spite of condoms) and then allowed it to fade. I'm angry at the irony of it all - that I wasn't exactly thrilled to be pregnant again, but when I finally had come to peace with it and was getting excited about it - then it was taken away. I am just plain pissed and angry. I'm angry that I got used to the idea of having five children, and now don't quite know what to do about that.

Someone once told me that God is big enough to handle my anger, even if it's directed at him. I know the Bible tells us that it's okay to be angry, but that we shouldn't sin as a result of our anger. I'm not sure what the step from anger to sin would be in this case - maybe bitterness, loss of faith, checking out altogether - time will tell on that one. I'm too raw to even think beyond Tuesday.

There are no words that anyone can say to truly comfort a person like me during something like this. People have said anything from "My heart is breaking for you" to "I'm so sorry for your loss" to even admitting they have no idea what to say (that kind of honesty is somewhat refreshing.) The only response I got that even came close to letting me know that the person really understood was when someone told me that I'm walking through fire and it will hurt.

I have little tears left in me anymore - instead my tears are of the silent, screaming kind, bursting out in waves in my head: Why? Why again? I don't get it! This doesn't make any sense? Why do you give things only to take them away? Why did I get pregnant in the first place? Isn't one miscarriage enough? Why won't you answer my questions?

I scream at God as I still feel pregnant and still feel nauseous. I scream at God when my belly still looks swollen and pregnant. I scream because there's a dead baby inside me and I want it out now. I even scream that life sucks and there aren't enough swear words to truly describe how horrible this situation is and how miserable I am.

I hope he can hear me.