are you lonely tonight?

We Americans are lonely. Or lonesome. Or both. Smart as I usually think I am, I had to pause a minute to figure out the different between the two, then check my dictionary to make sure I was right. (I wasn’t. Not quite.)

Lonely is being alone. Lonesome is a feeling of being lonely. I always equated lonesome with missing someone, but, apparently the two words can be used interchangeably.

What’s my point? Well, other than the English lesson, I recently read an editorial online about how more and more Americans are starving for significant relationships. (Friendship, not romance.)

It almost seems improbable, given that most people have work relationships and plenty of social contacts. However, according to statistics, the average American has just two close friends, down from three 20 years ago. The statistics come from the American Sociological Review, which published a study on social isolation in America. The researchers reported a “remarkable drop” in our confidants - the people with whom we can talk about important matters. Nearly 25 percent of us have no confidants at all and only 15 percent of us have a healthy circle of four or five friends.

So, apparently we’re lonely.

I’ve been there. Now before you question how I can be lonely in a full house...let me just tell you that it is possible. Mainly because little boys are not friends to mothers who desire clean, germ-free, dirt-free homes at least one day out of the year. Little boys bring lots of noise and activity, but not the social interaction craved by this mom.

But seriously...feeling isolated and alone can be a problem, putting us at higher risk for many ailments - physical, social and psychological. It’s no wonder I start to get paranoid if I haven’t heard from my friends via the telephone for some time. Or that I get cranky if I haven’t got out of the house to do more than buy milk and cereal.

I don’t always feel lonely, but it does happen. I sometimes play the victim role, replaying scenarios in my head and feeling like I’m the only one who’s reaching out to my friends. Most of it is hogwash, of course, but it does happen. I can get dependant on feeling needed or wanted by someone (other than my children.)

What’s causing this loneliness and lack of friendships? Part of it could be our inability or unwillingness to commit to relationships. They are after all, work. We need friendships that require something of us - sacrifice, accountability...perhaps even forgiveness now and then. But sometimes we don’t want to give that much. We want the other
person to give and we’ll receive.

Unfortunately, true friendships don’t work that way. It has to be a two-way street. My cousin often tells me, “You have to be a friend to have a friend.” In other words, give before you’ll receive.

Sometimes, we’re afraid to reach out to find a new friend. We might get rejected. There is no real cure for that, other than to rely on God as your ultimate friend, and trust that he can provide you with the human being friends that you need - a Jesus with skin on, so to speak.

Sometimes, we just think of ourselves more than all the other lonely people.

"One wonders what it would take for the church, the new community, the friends of Jesus (John 15), to hold equal fascination for our lonely culture. To draw our culture to Christ, evangelical churches spend enormous amounts of money on slick marketing materials, enormous amounts of creative energy crafting “authentic” worship, and enormous amounts of intellectual capital on postmodernizing the faith. We’re not convinced these strategies get to the heart of our cultural malaise.
Perhaps another “strategy” is in order. What if church leaders mounted a campaign to encourage each of their members to become friends, good friends, with one unchurched person this year?
Oh, but that would require so much commitment, sacrifice and humility!
Exactly."

Sounds like a good challenge to me. I’m pretty sure we all know at least one person who doesn’t attend church whom we can befriend.

It might end up being just the friendship your (or my) lonely heart desires.


–Excerpt from a November 14, 2006 Christianity Today Daily Newsletter Editorial, “Look at All the Lonely People.” Used by permission of Christianity Today International, Carol Stream, IL 60188.”