it's not fair

I can't wrap my head around unfairness. I'm not sure if it's the firstborn tendencies in me, but when things don't seem just, I get slightly peeved.

How is it fair to allow someone to get pregnant, have them deal with the emotions and struggles of trying to get through morning sickness and puking and tiredness and crabbiness, only to take the baby away once that person is finally feeling better? How fair is to allow someone to finally feel like she can relax, only to make her worst fears come true?

It's like running a race and making it almost halfway, finally hitting some good strides, only to be disqualified for some bizarre and unknown reason. It's like dribbling past half-court, finally hitting your shots without using the backboard - even a three-pointer or two, and the coach takes you out of the game, without an explanation.

It's just not fair. I don't expect life to be fair, but really it should be for me in this instance. I don't expect fairness in how people treat me, or how much money I bring in from rental property I can or can't rent, or how many stupid drivers I come across on the road. But, after nine pregnancies and four miscarriages, I expected a little fairness this time. I expected after making it past 12 weeks that everything would be fine. I expected after pulling maternity clothes out and switching my wardrobe around because nothing fit anymore, that I would get to use it. I expected after finally telling the boys they would be having a little brother or sister, that I wouldn't hear bad news from the doctor the very next day. I expected that the prayers of close friends who knew about our situation would work.

People have babies all the time. It's not like I expected some sort of miracle. Or maybe I did. Is that too much to expect?

Is it any wonder that I'm pissed off that my expectation weren't met? It is any wonder that I'm a little angry that I survived the first trimester without ripping anyone's head off or puking all my guts out and I still don't get a baby to hold or nurse or smell? Is it any wonder that I feel cheated? Or betrayed? Or treated unfairly?

Life sucks, mainly because it's not fair.