mixed feelings

Today I should be holding a newborn baby boy.

Part of me wants to wail about that not happening. And the sense of loss is a bit more overwhelming than I anticipated. Waves of grief have swept over me all day and it's probably why I didn't crawl out of bed until 10 a.m. It's also why I don't think I'll do anything today, just because I can.

Tragedy sucks. Grief sucks. Sometimes life just plain sucks.

But, another part of me is somewhat relieved not to have another baby right now. I can't imagine having a newborn in a house that still doesn't have an addition done. The selfish side of me is grateful that I was able to continue painting for all these months, earning more money than I have in 10 years and being able to contribute to the funding of the addition. The selfish side of me is also grateful that I'll still have a craft room once this project is complete - a place to store my yarn, my serger and whatever other creative schemes I line up.

The lazy side of me is happy I don't have to be up twice a night for feedings. The vain side of me is thrilled I don't have 25 pounds to lose. The self-indulgent side of me is glad I don't have to watch what I eat.

But the mom in me is still sad about missing out on all that - giving up sleep, Dr. Pepper, money and my appearance would have still been worth it to smell a newborn, to nurse a newborn and to share a baby with my boys.

Makes me think of Mother Goose - "if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride."

I can't change anything, nor do I want my life changed. Either way is sad.