due date

Can I survive another missed due date? Technically - I'll still be breathing (probably) when May 5, 2010 ticks away, so I suppose the answer is yes.

I'm still not sure if that's a good thing.

Days like this are ones that make me long for a better place - one with no headaches, heartaches, whining, crying, pinching or biting. It's hard to appreciate the kids you can hold when they're irritating and when they think they're too big for hugs anymore. It's also hard to focus on them when you're distracted by the children you never got to hold.

Well, okay that's not exactly true either - because right now I have one begging to use glue to make a tent out of newspaper (yeah - that'll work). Two are arguing about who sucked up something in the vacuum cleaner and the other wants to glue his coloring book picture to the wall. So, perhaps it's the other way around - these four are distracting me from my grief.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing either.

I still haven't decided if I'm sad about not having a baby today or if I'm a bit grateful that I'm not lugging around an extra 15 pounds and I can sleep in. Pretty sure the sadness wins out because every time I see a baby, I wince. I should just get over this already. I've been dreading this day for weeks. It's probably why hubby keeps asking me why I'm so crabby, but I don't want to tell him because I don't want to lose it and I want him to just "know" what's wrong. Is that too much to ask? It would have been nice if God would have made spouses able to read each other's minds.

Wait - no. I'm sure that's not a good thing. I really don't want to know how much he thinks about a certain activity.

So, to make it through this due day so far I have:
1) slept in until 10 am
2) downed half a pot of coffee (I should have spiked it with something)
3) added 12 things to my to-do list and crossed nothing off
4) took a nap to try get rid of my headache
5) cursed at a tile project that never goes away
6) decided to make nothing but brown rice for supper and let hubby do the rest
7) cursed some more that I can't find my iPod so I can sing/warble to ABBA
8) tried to be grateful that my kids did all their chores this morning
9) said a few prayers for people who are having much more difficult times than I am
10) made plans to do nothing but sit and knit tonight.

I probably can and will survive - if my definition of surviving is just one step at a time and putting one more piece of slate up on the wall. If I could take a sauna some time today, I might actually make it.

That would be a good thing.