finding my balance

I'm ready to retire. Well, retire to bed never to crawl out. Life has become crazy. Chaotic. Challenging. Even cantankerous. (And so have I.)

My calendar makes me cringe. My cell phone won’t stop calling my name. I'm drained. Distracted. Demanded. And I have no down-time.

Nothing on my plate is inherently bad. Women’s Bible study. Small group. Retreat meetings. Coop get-togethers. A building project. Rental showings. Oh, and did I mention home schooling? Try to add dentist appointments, chiropractor visits, swimming lessons and the fact that my oldest has needed shoes for about two months is very nearly tipping the scales out of my favor. And the kids are noticing.

“Mom, you never do anything fun with us anymore!” or “Mom you never have time for us!”

Ouch. Although, to be honest, in my head I responded, “Do you want breakfast and clean underwear every day?”

My calendar probably isn’t as crammed as most, but for me it's too much. Life is getting out of control even though I have tried to be very conscientious about keeping blank white space in those little boxes. So, acting on instinct as much as feeling led, I started emptying my schedule. It helped, a little. But, I couldn’t take laundry, cleaning toilets and trying to teach a five-year-old to read off the list.

I'm still sick and tired of being tired. But the only time I have peace and quiet was late, late at night. I’m a night owl, so staying up till midnight knitting is a real trade-off. Enjoyable yes, but not so much when your toddler awakes at 6 a.m. ready for the day. I can't function without a nap in the afternoon, which can only happen if the rest of the boys were quiet, which can only happen if they watched a movie.

I think they know every line in Cars by heart.

It wasn’t until I recently had a heart-to-heart with my cousin that I realized how far I’d let myself go. In all senses of the word - physically (both inside and out), mentally and spiritually. All I wanted to do was sleep. She helped me realized a couple of things:
1) I needed a break now and then for my own sanity.
2) I needed sleep.
3) I needed to take better care of myself.

If you came over to visit me on let’s say a Tuesday afternoon, you’d likely find me still in my pajamas. I probably ate cold cereal for breakfast and half an avocado for lunch. I likely forgot to brush my teeth. In fact, I probably haven’t showered for a couple days. (Yes, you can feel sorry for my husband now!)

My cousin told me to “get out of the house.” I was shocked to realize that the last time I’d been alone doing something just for me was eight months ago. So, I took her advice. First, I got myself some good supplements. Then I took a nap. Then, I started eating regular meals. Then I took another nap (just kidding). I’ve managed to set aside the knitting or that good book and go to bed at a decent hour. And, I’m planning a day to get out of the house, by myself. In the works will be some sort of regular exercise.

It’s slowly working. I’m no longer feeling like crawling into bed at 3 p.m. and I had a salad for lunch instead of potato chips. I kept the boys quiet with Play-doh so I could do a very short devotion and if all goes well I might even be able to still knit a bit tonight.

I know that finding balance will be a process and that I will fail. But, I also know that being aware of the need for balance will help me find a healthy medium. As will having someone hold me accountable. The good news is that it also enables me to say yes to the things I feel called to and no to the ones I don’t, without having to feel guilty either way. I’ve already been tested on that one, and am happy to report that I gulped and said yes to one request, no to another (while feeling peaceful about that decision) and signed my two older boys for TaeKwon Do.

For that exercise part, I probably should join them.