I can't seem to squelch those male tendencies no matter how hard I try. Even worse than this - he started pointing the water to spray anyone who got close.
Friday, November 27, 2009
boys will be boys
I can't seem to squelch those male tendencies no matter how hard I try. Even worse than this - he started pointing the water to spray anyone who got close.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
it's not fair
I can't wrap my head around unfairness. I'm not sure if it's the firstborn tendencies in me, but when things don't seem just, I get slightly peeved.
How is it fair to allow someone to get pregnant, have them deal with the emotions and struggles of trying to get through morning sickness and puking and tiredness and crabbiness, only to take the baby away once that person is finally feeling better? How fair is to allow someone to finally feel like she can relax, only to make her worst fears come true?
It's like running a race and making it almost halfway, finally hitting some good strides, only to be disqualified for some bizarre and unknown reason. It's like dribbling past half-court, finally hitting your shots without using the backboard - even a three-pointer or two, and the coach takes you out of the game, without an explanation.
It's just not fair. I don't expect life to be fair, but really it should be for me in this instance. I don't expect fairness in how people treat me, or how much money I bring in from rental property I can or can't rent, or how many stupid drivers I come across on the road. But, after nine pregnancies and four miscarriages, I expected a little fairness this time. I expected after making it past 12 weeks that everything would be fine. I expected after pulling maternity clothes out and switching my wardrobe around because nothing fit anymore, that I would get to use it. I expected after finally telling the boys they would be having a little brother or sister, that I wouldn't hear bad news from the doctor the very next day. I expected that the prayers of close friends who knew about our situation would work.
People have babies all the time. It's not like I expected some sort of miracle. Or maybe I did. Is that too much to expect?
Is it any wonder that I'm pissed off that my expectation weren't met? It is any wonder that I'm a little angry that I survived the first trimester without ripping anyone's head off or puking all my guts out and I still don't get a baby to hold or nurse or smell? Is it any wonder that I feel cheated? Or betrayed? Or treated unfairly?
Life sucks, mainly because it's not fair.
How is it fair to allow someone to get pregnant, have them deal with the emotions and struggles of trying to get through morning sickness and puking and tiredness and crabbiness, only to take the baby away once that person is finally feeling better? How fair is to allow someone to finally feel like she can relax, only to make her worst fears come true?
It's like running a race and making it almost halfway, finally hitting some good strides, only to be disqualified for some bizarre and unknown reason. It's like dribbling past half-court, finally hitting your shots without using the backboard - even a three-pointer or two, and the coach takes you out of the game, without an explanation.
It's just not fair. I don't expect life to be fair, but really it should be for me in this instance. I don't expect fairness in how people treat me, or how much money I bring in from rental property I can or can't rent, or how many stupid drivers I come across on the road. But, after nine pregnancies and four miscarriages, I expected a little fairness this time. I expected after making it past 12 weeks that everything would be fine. I expected after pulling maternity clothes out and switching my wardrobe around because nothing fit anymore, that I would get to use it. I expected after finally telling the boys they would be having a little brother or sister, that I wouldn't hear bad news from the doctor the very next day. I expected that the prayers of close friends who knew about our situation would work.
People have babies all the time. It's not like I expected some sort of miracle. Or maybe I did. Is that too much to expect?
Is it any wonder that I'm pissed off that my expectation weren't met? It is any wonder that I'm a little angry that I survived the first trimester without ripping anyone's head off or puking all my guts out and I still don't get a baby to hold or nurse or smell? Is it any wonder that I feel cheated? Or betrayed? Or treated unfairly?
Life sucks, mainly because it's not fair.
Monday, November 23, 2009
music in my ears
The Quarry Worship Team played a song that has been pounding in my head since Sunday morning. I can't seem to shake it. It got a little irritating until this evening when I realized that perhaps it was in my ears for a reason.
The song has this chorus:
No weeping. No hurt or pain.
No suffering.
You hold me now. You hold me now.
No darkness. No sick or lame.
No hiding.
You hold me now.
You hold me now.
Unfortunately, I don't feel held. I wish I did. I am trying my best to cling to the idea that I am held whether I want to be or not and whether I feel arms around me or not. I am numb right now, with a beat of anger coursing through my veins. It is playing to the tempo of the chorus above. And I can't make it stop, even with silent screaming.
No weeping. No hurt or pain. No suffering.
But in the here and now there is more weeping and more hurt than I can handle.
Here's the song that has become my heart's cry.
The song has this chorus:
No weeping. No hurt or pain.
No suffering.
You hold me now. You hold me now.
No darkness. No sick or lame.
No hiding.
You hold me now.
You hold me now.
Unfortunately, I don't feel held. I wish I did. I am trying my best to cling to the idea that I am held whether I want to be or not and whether I feel arms around me or not. I am numb right now, with a beat of anger coursing through my veins. It is playing to the tempo of the chorus above. And I can't make it stop, even with silent screaming.
No weeping. No hurt or pain. No suffering.
But in the here and now there is more weeping and more hurt than I can handle.
Here's the song that has become my heart's cry.
Friday, November 20, 2009
the joes
Overheard today at the lunch table: Boy #4: I'm Mo Jo. Boy #4: I'm Joe Cool - he's the coolest. Boy #4: Well, then I'm Joe Bad. Mom (in her head): I think you're both Joe Blow.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
it's nice to have boys...
who have a sense of humor.
Boy #1: "Mom! I think I dislocated my toe!" Boy #2: "What does that mean - you can't find it?"
Boy #1: "Mom! I think I dislocated my toe!" Boy #2: "What does that mean - you can't find it?"
Saturday, November 14, 2009
dream fulfilled
Walking up to Cub Foods today I spied the bell ringer. I gave each boy a dollar to put into the red kettle. After we got inside, one boy asked me who the money was for. After I explained, another one said, "Wow! I've always wanted to give to the Salvation Army!"
it's nice to have boys...
who don't appreciate all the money you save by cutting their hair. The haircuts didn't go so well tonight - "You cut my hair too short! I look like a dimrod!"
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