I have to confess something - I am feeling particularly ornery today. Actually it's been longer than just today. It's been, well, let's just say awhile.
I'd like to blame it on the weather - too many gray, gloomy days in a row, but I don't think that's a very good excuse.
I'd really like to blame it on the kids - too many fights, too much whining, and definitely too many battles to get them eating their supper. Our youngest is especially difficult - he is just plain picky. I used to pride myself in being a "good" mom whose kids ate vegetables. Then this one came along and figured out his colors at 15 months. He will not put anything green in his mouth. No peas, no beans, no celery, no broccoli, absolutely nothing green. If I serve him mixed vegetables, he will quite methodically pick out all the carrots and push the rest away. Grrrrrr!
But, even a toddler isn't the cause of my orneriness.
To be honest, I'm not really sure where it's coming from…I've got a lot on my plate right now (nothing green) and I'm struggling with where exactly God wants me right now. Part of it is knowing where he wants me and not wanting to be there.
And another part is taking a step of faith and stubbing my toe.
I often find myself frustrated because something doesn't go the way I expected or the way I would like. I know it's childish to expect that much out of life, but I'm big enough to admit I'm a child, a little bitty picky toddler at that.
I want sweet corn in one area of my life and God says, "No, I'm going to serve you brussel sprouts."
My choice becomes to either push it away stubbornly or to swallow my pride and swallow something I'd rather not. Perhaps I do need to eat more greens. My spiritual health may depend on it.
I think that I've made the dinner plans, fixed the mealtime, set the table and even prepared the first few courses. Then God comes along and says, "Wait a minute, who's coming to dinner? Is the meal about the guest or the host?"
Touché.
Heap some more brussel sprouts on my plate God.
I get so caught up in what I'm trying to serve that I don't even think about WHO I'm serving. Perhaps I'm making bread and they need meat. Perhaps I'm offering soup and they want salad. Or even worse, perhaps I'm expecting more out of my guests than I should, not considering their tastes, their schedules or their diets.
Yep, those little green veggies look worse by the minute.
Why is it that you can know something is good for you and yet not bring yourself to eat it? How can I know a little spiritual discipline is exactly what I need, and yet not want to do it?
I want growth on my terms. I want to believe without having faith. I want to trust not knowing the outcome. I want to know the plan. I want to make the plan. Then, I want the glory.
I really am an ornery child.
And yet, God loves me. Even when I spit out his brussel sprouts, he's there with another spoonful. Can't you just see him say, "Here! Try it again!" When I finally realize I'm hungry enough to eat even brussel sprouts, he's right there, excited that I might swallow one mouthful.
I can't begin to comprehend his patience with me. He knows I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve it. What an awesome God to give me what I need instead of what I want.
My toddler would eat potato chips and his new discovery, chocolate chip cookies, all day if I let him. But, because I love him and want him to be physically healthy (and because I'm stubborn), I won't let him. I will feed him good stuff, like peas and beans. Green stuff.
Just like God gives me.
