I’m going to be 29 next month. To many of you, that might seem like Mom should still be wiping my nose and behind. But, to me, I feel like an 18-year-old trapped in a bag of old bones – I get aches and pain in places I never thought about 10 years ago. My body no longer does exactly what I want it do, nor is it in the shape I’d like it to be in. Some of that can be blamed on pregnancy, but most of it is age and gravity.
The good thing is, in 29 years, I have learned a few things. I won’t claim to be as intelligent as I probably should be, but that’s mainly because I learn best by doing things the wrong way. Some of those things, I’ll share...
For example, I know:
• Switching salt and sugar on April Fool’s Day is only funny for the few seconds before your brother tries to beat you up.
• In a battle between a snow bank and a 1977 Jeep pickup truck, the snow bank will always win. And sometimes, it takes a tractor to beat a snow bank.
• It is much easier to get out of a speeding ticket if you are a female and you are young.
• It is much easier to get out of a speeding ticket if you don’t speed.
• Kids learn interesting phrases when they ride with Mom in traffic behind slow drivers.
• The cows’ watering hole isn’t a good place to go swimming.
• Calves are not meant to be rode like horses.
• Big dogs were not meant to be rode like horses.
• It’s generally not a good idea to dare your younger brother to pee on the sauna stove.
• Never wrestle a wrestler, even if he is your cousin and is five years younger than you.
• Baby snakes don’t make good pets, especially when they’re kept behind the couch.
• How dirty you can get is usually directly proportional to how much fun you’ll have, at least until Mom sees you.
• A child can find any mud puddle on the planet within five seconds and will then step in it.
• Rollerskating hide-n-seek in the basement in the dark is hazardous to your health.
• Even if you can, never try to outrun your mother to avoid punishment.
• If you’re going to make prank phone calls, don’t call your cousins. (Obviously this was in the days before Caller ID).
• A mother’s outfit is enhanced by baby spit-up on her shoulders - but don't point it out.
• If you’re late for church, you will hit every red light on the way there.
• Company always comes when the house is a mess.
• Best of all, Mom and Dad are usually right, and it doesn’t pay to argue anyway. Now if I can just get Mr. Three-Year-Old to understand that...
